Why do the most mediocre comedians become household names? From panel shows, clip shows, to talk shows (as well as performing stand-up comedy to an audience of dullards) Rob Beckett is seemingly on every channel. But why? How did Rob become famous? Is it because he’s a distinctive comedy genius or is it because British television is littered with substandard yet overrated lames such as Russell Howard and Jimmy Carr, and amongst these vanilla twats, Beckett seems funny by comparison? In my opinion, it’s definitely the latter. From the umpteen times I’ve seen Rob Beckett on TV, I don’t think I’ve ever laughed at his jokes. He is yet another tedious “my wife and kids” comedian with nothing particularly special or amusing to say about life.

Looking like a biological relative of the White Ape Of Barsoom from 2012’s John Carter, the only difference is that Rob has somehow found an audience. This wide-eyed, wannabe-wide-boy with a wide arse in tight jeans who looks like a Coronavirus nose-swab wrapped in Jacamo finery, has never once constructed a clever or memorable joke. His entire routine amounts to: “Look at my big teeth, I’m working class, and please laugh at either of these two topics”.

And did anyone watch Savage Socials on E4? It was described as “Comedian Rob Beckett brings together the biggest celebrity news and OMG moments of the week, providing his trademark savage commentary on clips, memes, and blunders”… Trademark savage commentary? He’s hardly Joan fucking Rivers! Savage Socials was not “savage” at all, kinda like UK Comedy Central “Roasts” being tame, televisual trashfests. Narrating a programme for the “Social Media Yout” despite being in his thirties, this literal shit-show proved that TV Executives are anything but knowledgeable about demographics and representation. Hearing Rob’s irritating Cockney-cum-Estuary accent endlessly commenting over portrait-formatted media on a landscape screen, everything about this show was irritating. I’d rather watch a teeth-off between him and John Bishop.

Also seen pissing around with fellow hack-comedian Romesh Ranganathan, the bug-eyed and bent-eyed duo have proved over multiple series that they’re inept at everything from dancing, singing, modelling… to making people laugh, an episode that seems to be missing from Sky’s Rob & Romesh Vs.

Back to Rob Beckett’s stand-up; seeing an audience of easily-pleased morons pissing themselves over his middle-of-the-road routine on Live At The Apollo or The Comedy Store is the kind of thing that makes you despair over how banal the majority of the UK are. Laughing at Rob’s observations about his mum and dad, being married, and shopping, you have to be some kind of bland-arsed tit to be amused with Beckett’s workaday shite.

Rob looks like a lackey to a spiv flogging black-market tights in the market after the war. He has the face of a greengrocer but the comedic skills of the artificial grass mat under the veg. This grumble and grunt with a pony and trap routine, huge, fuck-off Hampsteads and male Bristols, needs to get the fuck off the custard and jelly.

Robbed.