Caricatures

What Went Wrong With… Ant Middleton?

A caricature of Ant Middleton aka Anthony Middleton

Ant Middleton is an annoying motherfucker. This former soldier, unpaid Just For Men hair colourant model, and out-of-style midget lumberjack is now a television presenter and author (although the term “author” is probably attributed to him in the same way as Katie Price, Scarlett Moffatt, and Snooki). Basically, his books are “read” by knuckle-dragging, wannabe butch Andy McNab fans. Back to the topic of Ant’s television career, even though sniping foreigners and shooting a TV show are two completely different things, some ballbag at the faux-liberal, fake-alternative Channel 4 obviously can’t tell the difference. It’s quite telling that Channel 4 hired someone from the SBS to train people in a show called SAS: Who Dares Wins. I suppose the Naval Service and the Army are indistinguishable to the doormats who make throwaway militaristic TV.

God knows who thought it was a good idea to let a tight-top wearing tit with a hipster beard and David Beckham’s voice present television, I guess they were trying to entice a particular demographic. Of course, Anthony Middleton is adored by civilian cowards who would never sign up for the military but who lick the boots of anybody who has. Middleton is basically the kind of pumped-up prat who attracts daft bitches that get wet at the sight of a murderer in a beret. If this was Channel 4‘s target audience, I guess Ant was and is their man.

As a walking, talking, posturing advertisement for mainstream right-wing contrivances, Ant Middleton is of course a reactionary yet hollow mouthpiece for obvious causes and events. After the 2017 London Bridge attacks for example, he tweeted this ambiguous yet objectively macho (and don’t forget pointless) crap…

…missing the odd verb and attracting right-wing Islamophobes in one foul swoop (read the replies and stare into the depths of hell).

And surprise, surprise Ant is a supporter of Brexit too, once saying “A ‘no deal’ for our country would actually be a blessing in disguise. It would force us into hardship and suffering, which would re-unite us and bring us together, bringing back British values of loyalty and a sense of community. Extreme change is needed”. How fantastic; attributing a made-up sense of nationalism, some sham nostalgia, and even prolonged misery with leaving the EU. This is exactly the kind of disinformative crap the mainstream media loves to promote about leaving the European Union, but I digress.

Ant Middleton is the kind of muscle-bound grunt whose biggest achievement would be getting carried out of an aircraft carrier in a coffin draped in the Union Jack. Unbeknownst to him however, war is a racket and so is the incessant talk of heroism and patriotism from his fans. I guess it’s the epitome of heroic to be convicted of the unlawful wounding of one police officer and common assault upon a second. It’s ironic that these violent acts committed by a bearded moron are a fraction away from what a crap terrorist would do (although I doubt that Ant knows what fractions are and what irony means).

Known for grabbing a talk radio presenter by the neck, incidents like this just proves that violence is this simpleton’s forte and yet he is routinely allowed on mainstream television in order to be promoted as a heroic role model. As a guest of various breakfast TV programmes and crappy panel shows, not to mention reality shows including one about climbing Everest (how unique and original) it’s infuriating seeing this drab nobody on the telly. Looking like a gargoyle celebrating Movember and with the voice of a second place loser of a helium balloon-inhaling contest held in Essex, Anthony Middleton is an irritating twat who should never be on our TV unless it’s in a countdown show about the Top 10 Cunts In The UK.

Ant Spray.

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