Ben Shephard is one dull, bland, vanilla motherfucker. Originally appearing in teeny-breakfast TV shows The Bigger Breakfast and T4, it seems that Shephard has some kind of cunning plan to make our mornings as tame and banal as possible. His quest for sunrise-shittery now has him front and centre at Good Morning Britain replacing Piers Morgan on his days off (as Morgan presumably goes off to rant on Twitter against “liberal snowflakes” as he clutches a photo of Donald Trump and has a couple of angry wanks).

Ben Shephard bookended by Susanna Reid and Kate Garraway strangely makes GMB even worse than when Piers Morgan is presenting, the resulting table-triumvirate somehow managing to be even more insipid than usual (which is an achievement of sorts). On the occasions that I watched the show, the trio were essentially calling for art, products, and probably atoms to be banned in the show’s latest piece of centre-right propaganda. Drones being owned by ordinary people? No, they should be banned because of a sighting at an airport! A film about Jamie Bulger’s murderers? How dare they, it should be banned! Ben Shephard is a dad you know and the fact that he came into a woman at least twice and created two actual human children, he knows how Bulger’s mother feels. And that being the case, the film Detainment should be axed from the Oscars, you know, the way Monster, Spotlight, and United 93 were banned because of the feelings of the victims’ family members… not.

Ben Shephard has been fucking up television for a good number of years now, responsible (at least in part) for the decline of Channel 4‘s unique morning offering The Big Breakfast, the ruination of the once watchable Krypton Factor, the propping-up of Simon Cowell‘s career in cunt-ery with the Xtra Factor, the ushering-in of TV-twat Dermot O’Leary via T4, not to mention being part of the most uninteresting and monotonous daytime shows including Tipping Point and Ninja Warrior UK. Wow, that’s almost as lame as Shawn Levy‘s résumé.

Like an Essex teenager with Merseyside old-man wrinkles, Shephard’s man-child features are awkward-looking like Esther in the final act of The Orphan. This 40-something dullard is seen as handsome by some viewers, although that’s probably down to the fact that they’ve got some crusty rheum in their eyes. 7 a.m. isn’t the best time to be judging facial aesthetics although it’s the perfect time to inject some reactionary spin to the news, apparently. Ben Shephard is like a clandestine un-progressive, uber-traditional presenter masquerading as an unassuming centrist but having the most conservative overreactions to everything beamed into his autocue and ear-piece. I guess that’s what the viewers of Good Morning Britain want…

A Shephard herding sheep.