Caricatures

What Went Wrong With… And What Is Wrong With… Cardi B?

A caricature of Cardi B by What Went Wrong Or Right With...?

Cardi B is a mediocre rapper. Just because she released an album that didn’t completely sound like trash (and sold well) it doesn’t change that fact. With her below-average flow and delivery, I guess this is the right period in Hip-Hop history for someone so amateur to become famous, because back in the days of Trina or even in the days of H.W.A., a sex-obsessed female rapper this garbage would be laughed out of the business.

“I don’t dance now I make money moves, say I don’t gotta dance I make money move. If I see you and I don’t speak that means I don’t fuck with you. I’m a boss, you a worker bitch, I make bloody moves” …whoopee-fucking-doo.

This is an example of Cardi B’s basic rhyme schemes, it’s almost like she’s getting her lyrics from the rhyming dictionary of cliches.

“I steer a Bugatti in Bulgari, go to parties in a ‘Rari but too much Gucci against my couchie make it pong like Atari. I got tits like Linda Lusardi, play with balls like Vince Lombardi but now my man say my pussy smells like stale calamari”. I bet if a ghostwriter gave her those lines she’d be in that vocal booth faster than you can say “ho-hum” (and no, I don’t mean a whore humming).

Speaking of ghostwriters, the fact that Cardi has been accused countless times for using one to pen her rhymes, it makes you wonder how shitty she’d be if she wrote them herself. Whether she did or didn’t use a ghostwriter, her lines like the one above are so basic and contain so much bad grammar that if you turned off the beat, you’d realise how inferior her raps are. Basically; if she used a ghostwriter, the ghostwriter is garbage and if Cardi B wrote her lyrics herself, then she’s garbage. I guess her fans can pick one.

Her lame rap-skills of course, aren’t the worst around right now. Name a contemporary rapper with “Lil” in their name and you’ll come across some of the crappiest rappers of all time. Amongst her male counterparts ranging from Lil Yachty and 21 Savage to Lil Pump and Kodak Black, Cardi B is hardly the worst around. So, I guess there’s not much to talk about here. Getting all bent out of shape over her lyricism is pointless, especially in today’s mainstream rap world; it’s all sub-par.

In my opinion, the thing people should be getting mad about is Cardi B’s bigotry but surprise, surprise, just like Azealia Banks and Iggy Azalea before her, when an uppity, female pop-rapper arrives on the scene, her bullshit gets swept under her rug.

Since Cardi B is of Dominican and Trinidadian heritage, you’d assume that she’s experienced racism and therefore be less inclined to dish it out, but oh no. Like most minority sellouts these days Cardi seems content in belittling races other than her own. Publicly standing up for Colin Kaepernick or calling the police “racist” for removing her from a hotel doesn’t change the fact that she’s tweeted many bigoted things including calling Kim Jong-un “Won Tung Soup” (the fact that it’s spelled “wonton soup” makes her not only a racist but an illiterate moron). She has also called a dark-skinned woman a “burned roach” on Twitter and when someone called her out for her racist tweets her response was to refer to them as “Arab ass” and to tell them that they “have no idea what it’s like being one of Or Color [sic] in this country”. The daft twat not only went from defending her racism with more racism but she also essentially called an Arab “white” and ignored the almost two-decades of Islamophobia in America. What a frigging genius.

To her moronic fans who defend her by saying she’s mixed race or some other daft crap about her background, maybe recognise that some Spanish Dominicans are racist against Creole Haitians, and Trinidadians have racism between the African and Indian groups. Being from a particular country or possessing a certain ethnic mix doesn’t somehow nullify your prejudice. The ignorant fake-liberal excuse that “black people can’t be racist” is pretty much disproved by Cardi B existing. She, as a light-skinned person of colour saying a darker-skinned person of colour looks “burnt” or “burned” is pretty much the basis of racism.

While I’m mentioning Cardi B’s prejudiced tweets, it’s also common knowledge that she once declared that if her boyfriend Offset (of Migos fame) cheated on her, she’d get revenge by tricking him into sleeping with a transexual woman, or as she put it “If my man cheat on me. I’ma get him drunk and let a tranny rape him”. After Offset’s iCloud account was hacked and images of him with another woman were circulated back in December, I bet Cardi was rushing around Lucky Cheng’s at Christmas looking for a partner-in-crime (although if she did, she’d probably be put off by the Asian name). (Lucky Cheng’s is a bar that puts on a drag-queen show in case you didn’t get that one).

Now before some dumb dick starts yelling in the comment section something along the lines of “get over it, you can’t say anything these days”, well evidently you can, since this has hardly affected Cardi B’s career (in fact bigotry has never affected anybody’s career in the entertainment business). To these types of people I say that if you truly want freedom of speech, you have to also accept that we’re allowed to counter the stupid shit you’ve said – the “freedom” works both ways – and that being the case, it’s time to give Cardi B a taste of her own medicine…

Sounding like a Rosie Perez impersonator being strangled and looking like a transsexual Kim Kardashian lookalike whose melted under a tanning bed, Cardi B both looks and sounds like a music industry joke. With a face resembling Mr. Potato Head wearing a cancer wig, I’m surprised she has so much to say about what other people look like, she’s no oil painting herself. With her beady, close-together, sunken-in eyes, she looks like the result of Clarence The Cross-eyed Lion fucking a Pekingese dog. But like Cardi B once said, if you think all this shit is offensive, you’re a “sensitive bitch”.

Cardi B’s real name is Belcalis Almanzar (which sounds like the end of a really shit magic trick involving a top hat) but all racist jokes aside, with that name and skin colour she really needs to check her ethnicity before she chats shit about other people of colour. Twats in tinted-glass houses shouldn’t throw dark-coloured stones.

Dressed like a sex doll posing as a crash test dummy on her album cover, at some point her mediocre career will come to a halt and at that point we can all rejoice. Time has a knack of banishing all the lames after their 15 minutes of fame are up, after all, where are the two Azealia or Azaleas now? But, having said that, on the flip-side of entertainment hell, now that Cardi B is pregnant with Offset’s baby, I guess we all have to wait for a blinged-out stork to bring us yet another nepotistic sprog. Hopefully the kid won’t take after either of it’s parents and be able to rap.

Cardi B Ignant.

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4 replies »

  1. “I need Chrissy Teigen/Know a bad bitch when I see one/Tell Ri-Ri I need a threesome”

    Why would any body want Cardi’s ugly ass in a threesome lol

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