Piers Morgan is such an an irritating twat. This hack journalist has somehow remained employed in both the news and entertainment sectors despite showing no discernible skill in any aspect of print or broadcast media. Piers, to give his full name, Piers Stefan Pughe-Morgan (yes, even his name is annoying) has over the years worked for The Sun, News Of The World, The Daily Mirror, America’s Got Talent, Celebrity Apprentice, CNN, and Good Morning Britain. If he ever manages to add positions with The Weinstein Company and Monsanto to his CV, he’ll possess a resume that would perfectly personify his detestable persona.

To get a glimpse as to why so many people loathe him, just watch Piers Morgan on TV and you’ll bear witness to one of the slimiest, most obsequious interviewers around, giving the likes of Jimmy Fallon and Alex Zane a run for their sycophantic, shoe-shining money. Planting his lips firmly on the anus of every celeb he encounters like a butt-loving lamprey, Morgan usually sits there flattering and slobbering all over his subject (Pamela …ahem… Anderson). It’s rather perplexing how this boot-licking twat has made such strides on British television when he possesses no talent at either presenting or interviewing, I assume dick-licking gets you everywhere from being Murdoch’s flunky to Trump’s bitch.

In what was billed as an “exclusive”, Piers recently interviewed President Donald Trump, I say “interviewed”, as what took place was the pair sitting so close that you expected them to embrace each other and make out at any moment. If you take a quick look at Morgan’s Twitter profile pic, you’d be forgiven in thinking he was Trump’s rent boy but only if ol’ Don was blind or had a thing for middle-aged, saggy-necked pretentious gits. With Piers venturing so far up Donald’s arsehole during this interview, he could probably see the fast food lodged in his teeth. Safe to say, this was in no way a hard-hitting or probing interview and this seems to be a trait of his.

Piers Morgan also recently sat down with stand-up bigot Jim Davidson, and surprise, surprise, his questioning of his well-documented racism and homophobia was condensed to approximately five minutes (if that) of an hour long interview bookended by the likes of Peter Stringfellow, Iain Duncan Smith, Michael Gove, Nigel Farage, Dappy, and sell-out Matt Blaize defending him (what a great set of people to be acquainted with).

Basically, if you’re a has-been celeb, Piers Morgan will be half-way up your sigmoid colon before you’ve answered his first non-question, if however you’re some regular chap he disagrees with, he’ll interrupt you like a parrot with Tourette’s. I can say with confidence therefore that Piers Morgan is no Jeremy Paxman or Jon Snow, he isn’t even a John Bishop, his questions hardly scrutinise and therefore the answers hardly enlighten or entertain. And because the likes of Morgan and Fallon have become the norm when it comes to interviewing, this is the reason celebrities have a hissy-fit when someone like Krishnan Guru-Murthy asks question not pre-approved. Quentin Tarantino and Robert Downey Jr. would probably love the Piers Morgan treatment, he’d never dream of deviating from the publicist-approved script. But I digress.

On the topic of moronic Yanks, Piers Morgan pratted around in America during the noughties like an ambassador of arses. It makes you wonder why only the worst Brits are exported to our former colony; from Simon Cowell, James Corden, John Oliver, to Piers Morgan, hopefully sending these vanilla white fuckwits states-side is some kind of revenge for American Independence, if not, the United States really has a skewed idea of what a British celebrity is.

Of course, Piers is no longer living or working in the US of A, and yet if you keep up with his continuing pontification on US-based topics, you’ll know that he is still firmly anti-gun. Morgan’s stance on gun control is understandable I guess, because if guns were declared legal in the UK tonight, he would resemble Swiss cheese before tomorrow’s Good Morning Britain started airing. When a twat like Jeremy Clarkson punches you and comes off as a veritable national hero, you know how much of a cunt you are.

Over the years, Piers Morgan has had celebrity feuds with fellow-wankers Alan “From Amstrad To House Of Lords” Sugar and the aforementioned Jeremy “Grand Twat” Clarkson, of course it would be preferable if all of these right-wing TV tits just punched each other to death and cleared our TV schedule completely of arse-wipes but that’s just wishful thinking.

To close, Piers Morgan has an oily, pompous, smarmy, know-it-all personality and a smug grin that looks like a wonky slit in a worn sack. This trash tabloid working, hoax photo peddling, phone hacking scandal involved, share meddling, Celebrity Apprentice winning cunt is more irritating to the eyes and ears than CS gas. The fact that he’s sucked Simon Cowell‘s cock and licked Donald Trump’s backside, it seems he has a taste for peremptory pricks. Maybe that’s why he’s such an arrogant gobshite himself. You know what they say – you are what you eat.

Take A Long Walk On A Short Piers.