Every decade or so, a bland comedian rises up the ranks of British TV and they become the face of seemingly everything. In the past we’ve had the likes of Jonathan Ross and Michael McIntyre on top of the televisual pile, and despite the two of them being average at comedy, once they got their humdrum hands on primetime television it became hard to escape them. Remember Ross on ‘Friday Night With Jonathan Ross’, ‘The Film Programme’, ‘Comic Relief’, and ‘The Comedy Awards’? He was everywhere in the nineties and noughties. Then came Michael McIntyre, the safest, tamest comedian to ever grace the idiot box appearing on garbage ranging from ‘Britain’s Got Talent’, ‘The Michael McIntyre Roadshow’, ‘The Michael McIntyre Chat Show’, and ‘Michael McIntyre’s Big Show’ (they must have been up all night thinking of those varied titles). The baton of banality now seems to have passed to John Bishop and the tit is everywhere. Over the last few years this wank-stain has headed ‘The John Bishop Show’, ‘The Nightly Show’ and ‘In Conversation With’, but despite him hosting less programmes than Ross and McIntyre, since Bishop’s comedy is so dire, it feels like you’ve watched something much much lengthier. John Bishop for me is on a whole other level of mediocre, in fact he’s so lame he makes Michael McIntyre look like Alexei Sayle, Bishop is the blandest, un-funniest “comedian” working in the UK today.
A good rule of thumb is that if a stand-up comedian appears on the Royal Variety Performance, they’re the biggest dick this side of the Royal Box (ooh err missus!). When you suck-up to the Saxe-Coburg-Gothas, kissing-up to television execs is probably a doddle in comparison. With Bishop possessing absolutely zero talent in comedy and lacking any proficiency in presenting, I can only assume he was on his knees, gagging for a good few days with the Suits at ITV and the BBC, that’s the only way I can picture some producer allowing this prat onto primetime television. Either that or because this twat has a Manc-slash-Liverpudlian accent, the upper-middle-classes in charge of mainstream television can’t understand what he’s saying or they think his dialect is amusing (’cause it sure isn’t his garbage jokes).
Bishop’s various gigs on television and on the stand-up comedy circuit have resulted in masses of airtime which in turn has made him huge amounts of moolah. According to Forbes, this lame-arsed shite-peddler makes a reported £5.4 million a year, I guess the people with the most money and fame will continue to be the least talented at their chosen profession.
Mainstream-approved, tame, “family-friendly” comedians such as John Bishop, the aforementioned Michael McIntyre, as well as the likes of Jason Manford, Sarah Millican, Micky Flanagan, Russell Howard, Jon Richardson, Jack Whitehall, David Walliams (and the rest) really make British Television a pile of lacklustre, lifeless, middle-of-the-road shite. John Bishop is arguably the worst of the lot; he’s dull, he’s irritating, but most importantly, he’s not funny in the slightest. He might keep an everlasting grin on his annoying mug but Bishop is the only one who’s cracking a smile at his second-rate gags.
Flick through the channels these days and this creased, perpetually grinning moron seems to be on every pissing channel; from the BBC, ITV, to W, delivering his limp, mundane jokes on various crappy shows. Annoyingly, when Bishop isn’t inflicting his beige comedy on the public (either as a stand-up comic or as a presenter) he’s being interviewed by some other twat on some shite chat show (think Jonathan Ross or Loose Women). When this occurs it’s like two garbage barges colliding with each other; a moron coming face-to-face with another moron, and if you catch John Bishop on one of these “talkshows”, you’ll hear him endlessly harping on about his uninteresting life, regurgitating his non-stories involving his kids, his wife, and his “comedy” career, his anecdotes going nowhere like Del Griffith but without a single ounce of his charm. With John Bishop’s below average jokes being delivered through a set of chompers that resemble two rows of white marble gravestones, it begs the question; why is this reject Just For Men model all up in my face?
As The Nun Said To The Bishop.