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What Went Wrong With… And What Is Wrong With… David Blaine?

Caricature of David Blaine shown with hypnotic swirl eyes by What Went Wrong With

Ever since “Street Magic” was first broadcast, David Blaine has been contaminating the airwaves with his non-magic and fake endurance acts. With his stoner voice and eyes which stare through people like the creepiest of pervs, Blaine represents everything annoying about magicians all wrapped-up in a hipster tee. Gone are the sequinned, tanned, eyeliner-obsessed, bouffant-mullet-haired Illusionists of the seventies and eighties, but thanks to Blaine instead of having another malnourished Fabio lookalike; we now have a self absorbed, condescending twat with a Christ Complex.

This bane of illusion, who became known for doing card tricks, fucking around with coins, and occasionally levitating in the road, in reality offers nothing magical. His “magic” is mundane at best, and more recently his underwhelming over-the-top feats of endurance aren’t even magic. More memorable than his drawn-out acts, are the sycophantic audience that surround him; overreacting to everything Blaine does. His first TV Show started off by performing a card trick on a pavement in New York …whoopee fucking doo… but it was the fuckwits who screamed and hollered at some slight of hand that were more annoying to watch than Blaine himself; some of them even running away because of a card reveal. It was a kind of twisted precursor to the panic and hysteria that many of the public were guilty of in the noughties; I mean if they’re loosing their nut over the Balducci Levitation, we can only imagine what their reaction would be if buildings began collapsing.

The kind of arseholes who are whipped up into a frenzy every time they witness a bit of misdirection, are exactly the kind of arseholes that Blaine attracts. Coupled with his own deluded self-importance, these fanatics always claim he is doing something special or life-affirming; in reality he is doing neither. He is either performing a parlour trick in the street, or he’s being buried under or hung from some fucking monument. Blaine’s delusions of grandeur combined with his hysterical fans, transform each of these acts of mediocrity into a false spectacle.

Throughout the noughties, David Blaine “amazed” us all with his public extravaganzas. In 1999 he “enthralled” us by lying in a plastic box (aka Buried Alive) and in 2000 he left us “speechless” as he stood somewhere cold (aka Frozen In Time). In 2002 he stood on something tall (aka Vertigo), and then in 2003 he sat in a clear box really high up (aka Above The Below). In 2006 he “entranced” all of us when he stood in some water (aka Drowned Alive), and then in the same year no less; he spun around like a prat (aka Revolution). In 2008 he dangled upside down for an hour at a time (aka Dive Of Death), and in 2009 he pretended to be electrocuted but wore a protective suit (aka Electrified). This man is surely a genius?

Sarcasm aside, the last decade or so of Blaine’s public shitfests have basically resembled the Record Attempts of a shite-peddling cock. But being a dick is the least annoying aspect of Blaine’s persona; he is also someone who thinks a bit too highly of himself and his acts. In 1999 after he emerged from the “Buried Alive” show, he said…

“I saw something very prophetic … a vision of every race, every religion, every age group banding together, and that made all this worthwhile”

Well for a magician, he really was a crappy prophet. This “banding together” would last for just over two years, if at all. The only thing that brings people together these days, is the hope that they will collectively witness Blaine’s death.

David Blaine’s quest for even more flatterers has now resulted in the shitty show “Real Or Magic” which airs tonight on Channel 4 in Britain. The show opens with a sequence which seems to be lifted from the reject bin of a nineties thriller, complete with scratched fonts and pointless cutaways. The adjectives shown in the title sequence affirm Blaine’s sanctimoniousness, but after enduring this meaningless opening, the viewer’s woes aren’t over… for what follows is an hour of pure irritating crapness.

“Real Or Magic” is like watching a re-enactment of “Street Magic” by a bloated old lookalike, the only thing that’s changed is the inclusion of celebrities. The likes of Kuntye West, Macklewhore, and Krappy Perry now act as spectators, in the full knowledge that a bit more exposure might sell another one of their shit-stained tracks. You would think that after sixteen years Blaine would come up with something new, but in this annoying throwback show, apart from the celebrities; we are left watching this aged twat wandering about in the streets over-explaining what he’s going to do. Tricks in the street… oh my gosh, how refreshing. David could have invited the “Pussy Posse” (these days probably more like the “Cougar Cunt Collective”) to witness his magic acts, but no; we must see more of Kanye “up his own false-idol arse” West, more nauseating footage of troops in Afghanistan, and George “Wanker” Bush.

Seeing Bush in “Real Or Magic” just made me remember how most people felt about David Blaine’s act in the last decade. It was in very bad taste, especially in the noughties for an American (who performs privately for the likes of Donald Rumsfeld & George Bush) to be “starved”, “locked away”, or “tortured” for fame, when people around the world were actually going through these things for real; thanks largely to cunts like Rumsfeld and Bush. At least in 2003 we mocked this arsewipe when he was hanging in London in the “Above The Below” show; but now he’s trying to make a comeback (like Bush with his crappy paintings) and hardly anyone seems to mock this moron.

It’s now 2014, and we still have dickheads like Blaine trying to hark back to the noughties. David needs to realise that we’re sick of him, sick of his “magic”, and sick of that whole miserable decade. Seeing David Blaine on TV these days is like seeing Woody Harrelson in Kanye‘s house; we’re all left wondering why the fuck the pair are together.

David Lame.

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3 replies »

  1. I agree wholeheartedly with the article,I abhor celebrities in magic acts;they lead the viewer to think it’s all set up beforehand whether true or not(Katy Perry ,Harrison Ford). Blaine may have moved away from his stooges and tricks that can only be achieved on TV,he still not adverse to editing sections of tricks out to improve them. If that wasn’t bad enough he spawned Dynamo here in UK.

  2. When I became a teenager and learned that I could hate things without being told to, the first TV personality I grew to despise was Criss Angel.

    Just watching one of his shows immediatly revealed how facade that is american reality tv, amateur acting and the very fact that the shittier something is then the more people will love it. Just focussing on any one aspect of his show reveals how fake it all is. The atrocious acting “Oh my gawwwwd, oh my gaaawwwd”. The cut away cameras, the stop motions, the moron himself.

    Its one thing to make a show and literally try to act like everything in it is real, I can never hope to understand the people who believe this crap, but then he decides he will go around exposing fake magicians.
    Thats right, after amassing his fortune tricking idiots with half-baked television illusions, he decided that no one else should get to replicate his success and proceeded to make more money ‘exposing’ people.
    In true american fashion he went around with the envelope with ‘9/11’ written on the inside (an ‘international’ tragedy according to him), asking psychics and the like to guess what was inside, stating he would give millions of dollars to whoever could.
    His embarassment came when not a psychic but a ‘mentalist’ was on the verge of guessing what it was on live TV and so Criss very quickly cut him off to quickly reveal what was inside himself.

    Nowadays Criss performs in some terribly rated stage magician show, I havent and won’t ever see it but from what I heard he literally uses a TV screen to do most of the magic….YES, he stands there, waves his hand at the screen and a dove will appear….he is LITERALLY selling this as magic.

  3. ” asking psychics and the like to guess what was inside, stating he would give millions of dollars to whoever could.
    His embarassment came when not a psychic but a ‘mentalist’ was on the verge of guessing what it was on live TV and so Criss very quickly cut him off to quickly reveal what was inside himself.”

    That is a total misrepresentation of what happened. Because of your post, I just watched it, and he offered to one person – co-host Uri Geller – to guess the contents for one million dollars. Geller had every chance to answer and instead just started a long comment about when they were born. So finally it was said he guessed the answer was no, he wasn’t going to answer, Geller didn’t disagree, and then he slowly opened the envelope.

    There was no pending guess and no sudden opening to prevent Geller from answering.

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