From the moment a curtain opens on stage at the start of Sucker Punch, the audience can’t wait for it to close on this pitiful excuse of a movie. With its slow motion corny-ness, fake theatrical set-pieces, and wannabe erotic costumes, this is surely one of the biggest wastes of money since Brewster inherited his millions. With lame pop-rock constantly playing in the background, the whole experience resembles a two-hour mediocre music video. The film which is a mash-up of genres, is some kind of bastard child of MTV and Microsoft, but who wishes it was something less hollow… a science-fiction mystery perhaps? What is a mystery is why Zack Snyder is allowed to continue with his oxymoronic, multi-million dollar B-movie output. Why you’d want the director who was responsible for the irksome 300, the mundane and lifeless Watchmen, and who destroyed the memory of George A. Romero’s Dawn Of The Dead, to make another movie is anybody’s guess. With Sucker Punch it seems that Hollywood is continuing in their quest for the epitome of shit, and for this particular shitfest have rounded up a bunch of second-rate actors and married them with a second-rate director. The result however, is something which is many tiers short of even second rate; Sucker Punch is more like ninth or tenth rate, it is absolutely one of the worst movies ever made.
The film is filled with the dullest cast ever assembled; Emily Browning is one of the plainest looking perpetually teen “actors” with no presence, Abbie Cornish maintains a constipated look in every movie she appears, there’s the completely forgettable Jena “what’s her face” Malone, and lets not forget Jamie Chung who once again plays the token minority. Then there’s Carla “should’ve quit after Snake Eyes” Gugino and Scott Glenn’s character spurting out non-wisdom via some of the most shitty maxims in history. And whilst I’m running through this pitiful excuse for a cast list, producers take note; nobody wants to see Vanessa Hudgens either nude in pictures or clothed in movies.
For any fans of Snyder, rest assured there is plenty of open courtyards with falling snow, flying embers, and pointlessly drawn-out slow-motion combat scenes. The contrast is as usual, set on “high as a motherfucker” and all the gimmicks of a cheap computer game are present. These contrivances along with obviously distressed sets and vinyl-pleather costumes, makes for another Zack Snyder trademark yawn-inducing, sleep-a-thon.
For all the people who refuse to kiss Snyder’s talentless arse, it’s obvious that there’s nothing profound about this movie, even though Snyder himself probably thinks it’s deep and meaningful. The script and the plot itself are about as deep as a record groove, although if you believe some of the fan reviews, this film is brimming with metaphors. This being said, I think I’ve guessed what the one successful metaphor in the film was referring to; Babydoll’s dancing was, I’m assuming, a metaphor for the frequency at which the audience nodded off during the film.
The whole shitty saga ends with the most pointless non-twist which makes zero sense. Nobody I guess, asked Snyder how the character Babydoll could have a version of the bus driver in her alternate realities when she never meets him in real life. But with Snyder and Hollywood there seems to be no drafts and no rewrites, it seems his first shitty attempt gets green-lit every time.
Zack Snyder as a director and screenwriter is so out of date that his entire career is made from regurgitating already digested material. From his graphic novel adaptations, and his comic book reboots, to his choice of music in his tired-arse movies, his whole filmography resembles the window display in the “Blast From The Past” antique store in Back To The Future Part II (an old reference this copycat will relate to, I’m sure). If Snyder took a glimpse at a calendar, he would know that nobody wants to see a bunch of bland looking bitches grinding their flat arse to Björk outside of 1994. And the ever-so-corny convention of showing flesh to sell tickets is such an exhausted gimmick that it no longer works. A man who was more concerned with getting the nipple shot into 300 rather than focusing on storytelling is not a genuine filmmaker.
Similar to 300, Sucker Punch resembles a poorly acted, badly written and ineptly directed soft-core-porn-esque movie which manages in less than two hours to set feminism back about fifty years. With the Wise Man character uttering the line “If you don’t stand for something you’ll fall for anything”, it’s ironic that Snyder’s films stand for absolutely nothing but Hollywood falls for everything he pitches.
What A Bunch Of Suckers.