Artwork

What Went Wrong With… And What Was Wrong With… Zack Snyder’s Sucker Punch?

Sucker Punch opening titles parody by What Went Wrong With

From the moment a curtain opens on stage at the start of Sucker Punch, the audience can’t wait for it to close on this pitiful excuse of a movie. With its slow motion corny-ness, fake theatrical set-pieces, and wannabe erotic costumes, this is surely one of the biggest wastes of money since Brewster inherited his Millions. With lame pop rock constantly playing in the background, the whole experience resembles a two-hour mediocre music video. The film which is a mash-up of genres, is some kind of bastard child of MTV and Microsoft, but who wishes it was something less hollow… a Science-Fiction Mystery perhaps? What is a mystery is why Zack Snyder is allowed to continue with his oxymoronic, multi-million dollar B-Movie output. Why you would want the Director who was responsible for the irksome “300”, the mundane and lifeless “Watchmen”, and who destroyed the memory of George A. Romero’s “Dawn Of The Dead” to make another movie is anybody’s guess. With Sucker Punch it seems that Hollywood is continuing in their quest for the epitome of shit, and for this particular shitfest have rounded up a bunch of second-rate Actors and married them with a second rate Director. The result however is something which is many tiers short of even second rate, Sucker Punch is more like ninth or tenth rate, it is absolutely one of the worst movies ever made.

The film is filled with the dullest cast ever assembled; Emily Browning is one of the plainest looking perpetually teen “actors” with no presence, Abbie Cornish maintains a constipated look in every movie she appears. There is the completely forgettable Jena “what’s her face” Malone, and lets not forget Jamie Chung who once again plays the token minority. Then there is Carla “should’ve quit after Snake Eyes” Gugino and Scott Glenn’s character spurting out non-wisdom via some of the most shitty maxims in history. And whilst I’m running through this pitiful excuse for a cast list, Producers take note; nobody wants to see Vanessa Hudgens either nude in pictures or clothed in movies.

For any fans of Snyder, rest assured there is plenty of open courtyards with falling snow, flying embers, and pointlessly drawn out slow-motion combat scenes. The contrast is as usual, set on “high as a motherfucker” and all the gimmicks of a cheap computer game are present. These contrivances along with obviously distressed sets and vinyl-pleather costumes, makes for another Zack Snyder Trademark yawn-inducing sleep-a-thon.

For all the people who refuse to kiss Snyder’s talentless arse, it is obvious that there is nothing profound about this movie, even though Snyder himself probably thinks it’s deep and meaningful. The script and the plot itself are about as deep as a record groove, even though if you believe some of the fan reviews, this film is brimming with metaphors. This being said, I think I’ve guessed what the one successful metaphor in the film was referring to; Babydoll’s dancing was, I’m assuming, a metaphor for the frequency at which the audience nodded off during the film.

The whole shitty saga ends with the most pointless non-twist which makes zero sense. Nobody I guess asked Snyder how the character Babydoll could have a version of the bus driver in her alternate realities when she never meets him in real life. But with Snyder and Hollywood there seems to be no drafts and no rewrites, it seems his first shitty attempt gets green-lit every time.

Zack Snyder as a Director and Screenwriter is so out of date that his entire career is made from regurgitating already digested material. From his Graphic Novel adaptations, and his Comic Book Reboots, to his choice of music in his tired-arse movies, his whole filmography resembles the window display in the “Blast From The Past” antique store in Back To The Future Part II (an old reference this copycat will relate to, I’m sure). If Snyder took a glimpse at a calendar, he would know that nobody wants to see a bunch of bland looking bitches grinding their flat arse to Björk outside of 1994. And the ever-so-corny convention of showing flesh to sell tickets is such an exhausted gimmick that it no longer works. A man who was more concerned with getting the nipple shot into “300” rather than focusing on storytelling is not a genuine Filmmaker.

Similar to “300”, Sucker Punch resembles a poorly acted, badly written and ineptly directed soft-core-porn-esque movie which manages in less than two hours to set feminism back about fifty years. With the Wise Man character uttering the line “If you don’t stand for something you’ll fall for anything”, it is ironic that Snyder’s films stand for absolutely nothing but Hollywood falls for everything he pitches.

What a bunch of Suckers.

Advertisements

14 replies »

  1. I watched an interview with him and his responses were “it’s cool” on why he did certain things in movies.

    I really hope he don’t ruin Superman with the new Man of Steel movie. I am looking forward to it, and Christopher Nolan was involved, so I don’t think it’s going to suck as bad as Sucker Punch did.

    • Did you see the interview about the McDonalds scene in the new movie?
      That kinda did bother me, he basically says Americans love Superman and they love McDonalds, so why not put them together? Ugh.

      I’m really looking forward to this movie, judging by the trailers it will be epic and great, but as long as his name is on it, I will always fear in my back pocket.

    • I didn’t see that interview, but I hope that his tacky ways have been reined in for Man Of Steel. Superman movies can be a bit hit and miss. Beyond the 1978 version, it’s been going downhill, with Superman Returns being a disappointment. I will be watching it this weekend but like you said, with Snyder on-board; it might be a disappointment too.

  2. Ok hater u keep judging movies and actors u won’t get no where in life. at lease they have a life while your busy criticizing movies and how celebrities look on the movie. I’m telling you now your going to go to hell if you don’t stop criticizing gods children I mean what did they ever do to u,dont be a bastard.

    • OK you illiterate medieval fuckwit, let’s break it down…

      Judging movies and actors will get me nowhere in life? Tell that to all the critics who make a living from criticising. But since I’m not doing this for money, who knows where this will get me; aside from on your tits.

      Either way, I didn’t realise that people could go to hell for writing? Surely there is a priority in the underworld for murderers, rapists, and people who use poor grammar, bad spelling, and incorrect punctuation (dat meenz u).

      Plus, if haters go to Hell then quit hating on my article. If critics go to Hades then quit criticising my shit.

      God Damn, I just glimpsed your God Forsaken reply again in the corner of my eye… Jesus Christ you sound like a fucking fascist.

      Also, to preach about “God’s children” and “Hell” in an article about Sucker Punch is one of the funniest things I’ve read in a long while. From watching Zack Snyder’s films, it seems that we’re already in Hell… ain’t that the God’s honest truth.

      Signed, One Of God’s Children aka A Bastard

    • How the fuck are you going to preach to children if you can’t accept who you really are and I’m not criticizing your shit I’m just telling you about your FUCKING self and I know your not trying to argue with me.

    • I don’t know why I’m getting into an argument with a complete fucking imbecilic cunt; that’s right I’m just telling you about your FUCKING self.

      Firstly, who the fuck is “preaching to children”? Now you’ve got me wondering whether you can even read, let alone if you have one functioning braincell. Why don’t you just accept that you’re a whinging whining waste of space. Also please explain why you live in America but don’t uphold freedom of speech?

      Secondly in your outdated, Religious train of thought; if God created me, and I write these words, God is responsible for these words. Also, which of the cast members or creators of “Sucker Punch” do you feel are so Saintly and beyond reproach? But on a side issue, I would love to see your evidence of God, Heaven, Hell, why you have such a lofty sense of self-righteousness, and also proof of Zack Snyder’s talent.

      Matthew 24:35 Heaven and earth will pass away, but my words will not pass away

    • Ephesians 5:4 Let there be no filthiness nor foolish talk nor crude joking, which are out of place, but instead let there be thanksgiving

      In other words, don’t claim Godliness and Righteousness over me and then say “Bitch” and “fuck” in your reply; it ruins your whole argument.

      PS I’ve read the Bible, and I wouldn’t call it “evidence”.

      Have a nice life, Peace Be Upon You

  3. well the reason why the ending didn’t make since was because the MPAA made them change it to get the rating they wanted..which makes it make no sense..

    • The Director’s Cut with all the crappy extended dance scenes and an alternate ending with John “Hammy” Hamm’s endless talking and raping still doesn’t make this film any better; JUST LONGER. While they were cutting 17 minutes for the MPAA, they could have cut another 110; that’s the only thing that would have improved this garbage.

      On a side note, if cutting or editing your “art” ruins the plot (which in this case it doesn’t), then why not fight for it? Snyder is one of the shittiest, talentless, racist, and sexist Directors working today, and now we can say he is gutless too.

What Went Wrong Or Right With This Article? (Spam & Shite Will Be Deleted)

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s