What Went Wrong With… Russell Brand?

Caricature Of Russell Brand by What Went Wrong Or Right With...?

Russell Brand started off life looking like an East End version of the character “Buzz” from Home Alone. Then with the help of illegal narcotics and their associated contrived aesthetics, he then became a superficial Goth-wannabe, complete with all the clichéd piercings and tattoos. This pseudo-70s throwback then began juggling the duties of presenting, stand-up comedy, and acting without becoming proficient in either. Most of Brand’s performances serve predominantly as some sort of meeting for substance abusers and sex-addicts, his catharsis being the source of the majority of his material. With his “I’ve had such a hard time on drugs” bromide routine, Brand has followed the “Book Of Hackneyed Cockneys” step by step, and has become a caricature of a postulant celebrity and aspiring-über-addict. Brand’s constant attempts to appear edgy has him portraying this character continuously, and by following the rocker-by-numbers pattern; he has become a tattooed, drug-addled, self-harming, bi-polar construct of a non-rocking non-celebrity.

Like many hollow celebrities and wannabe-artists before him, Russell Brand is also a weekend-spiritualist. Along with his fake Hare Krishna sentiments at the closing of all his routines, Brand likes to dabble with Eastern Philosophy and specious activism with his self-deprecating and self-promoting causes. Give It Up For Comic Relief will be yet another medium for Brand to hammer home his hairy and inked aesthetic, this time under the guise of a charity gig for drug and alcohol addiction. This will be yet another stage on which he tricks the uninformed white middle-aged and middle-class into thinking he is cool. It seems that Brand has a knack for attracting dreary middle-aged Caucasians, just ask Carol McGiffin.

Once tolerable in the early to mid-noughties in shows such as Big Brother’s Big Mouth, Russell’s prosaic bullshit is now beginning to wear thin. Describing himself as an “S&M Willy Wonka”, Brand fails to recognise that styling his hair with the static from a balloon does not make him in any way subversive, and likening himself to a literary classic will not help raise his dull act to the pantheon of genius. Roald Dahl would never write a character so vapid and one-dimensional, and anybody claiming to be counter-culture would not appear like some shit-stained jester at the Royal Variety Performance. Nobody with any self-respect or credibility performed at the closing ceremony of last year’s Olympics either, so it was apt that Brand appeared there like the rock star he wishes he was, whilst the character of “Aldous Snow” from Get Him To The Greek played in his mind. A perfect example of shitty art imitating shitty life.

A decade of newspaper-reading stand-up comedy shows where Brand discusses “Russell Brand”, and a decade of perfunctory film roles where Brand plays the character of “Russell Brand” proves that this One Man Brand is more addicted to himself than any drug on offer. This narcissist’s ideal role would be a drug taking stand-up comedian presenter who snorts lines off copies of Russell Brand’s Booky Wook, whilst masturbating to the picture of Russell Brand on the cover. And knowing Hollywood, this is probably in pre-production.

Russell Bland.

21 replies »

  1. I cannot stand this guy. He is so obnoxious, and this article is spot on like all your stuff is. I saw ‘Get Him to the Greek’ and I am convinced the only way to find that movie funny is to be drunk or brain dead because I seen absolutely nothing funny about it whatsoever.

  2. Unless you yourself are deeply acquainted with Eastern philosophy or any of its branches, please keep your ignorance to yourself rather than make feeble attempts such as this article to knock it down.

    • Unless you’re deeply acquainted with Russell Brand or his anus get your brown-nosing wannabe clever comments off my site. And yes; since I’m not white I am more knowledgable about Eastern philosophy than a fake goth hipster and his fucking tattooist. Plus who the fuck is knocking Eastern Religion or philosophy? This article is about faking the aesthetics of such practices. Maybe read the fucking article rather than making feeble attempts to knock it, you fucking cock.

    • Another brilliantly written article.

      What you had to say about this revolting specimen was absoloutely spot on .

      Thank you – keep up the good work 😉

    • ps : i am not arguing against your right to have an opinion , but for an opinion to be discussed it must not be influenced by unreal factors

  3. your way of assuming the worst of people in any given situation ain’t gonna lead to a happy life , first you used untrue argument for having piercings as something to reduce character value , then you use the lack of for the same reason .

    Also i’ve seemed to have been downvoted by 3 people for a simple true statement , having people around you who encourage a wrong way of percieving the world is again , a bad thing .

    • Since writing these articles, my happiness has increased err… (to use a contemporary incorrect percentage) 1000%!

      And don’t worry about it, one of those votes was by me; so it’s only two people who have “down-voted” you.

      Also, I hope you realise that these articles are a work of comedy, and I don’t see anything wrong with embellishing the truth for comedic effect. I don’t see why I have to do in-depth research for essentially a throwaway article which is intended to be laughed at. This isn’t a news broadcast, and Brand being branded or not is irrelevant when it comes to writing about the fact that I think he’s a twat.

      Be well, and don’t let your diligence get in the way of lambasting and mockery.

  4. “I don’t see why I have to do in-depth research for essentially a throwaway article” , your work , in this life , will only be taken as serios as you take it yourself . This is the next step you have to take in order to get to be a serious comedic writer .

    And as a personal suggestion , your article seemed to me a bit biased in a mean sense , i can enjoy a funny criticism even direct at myself , but your style more proposed that other people should rethink how much brand deserves to be hated.

    • My God! Who made you a critic’s critic? Your bullshit has escalated from Brand’s piercings, to the morality of comment ratings and the search for happiness, and now to the structure of literature – but I’ll be damned if I take criticism from someone who puts spaces between commas and misses the “u” from “serious”. And who the hell wants to have a protracted conversation with some nobody about “the seriousness of comedy” anyway, especially when I told you that this whole shit wasn’t serious?

      If you think this article is biased and mean, then the next step for you is to go find some touchy-feely kiss-ass crap to read. Now fuck off and stop cluttering the comment section with your inane babble.

  5. Great article, Brand is constantly described as a man of the people but you know when someone is dating a Rothschild they’re the exact opposite

  6. Ha! Love the way people are telling the guy who wrote these articles he is going to have an unhappy life etc for being beastly about a bunch of moderatly talented planks who flog their shit at the drop of a hat, and Jonathan Ross who is a cunt lets be fair.
    Come on people he is not having a pop at homeless people or the terminally ill.
    Lighten up people ffs.
    Yeah i know i am going to have a terrible,lonely life now etc etc 🤣

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