What Went Wrong With… Simon Cowell?

A caricature Of Simon Cowell by What Went Wrong Or Right With...?

Simon Cowell has become the bane of contemporary television and music. This socialite’s offspring has left a decade of god-awful television and pop music in his wake, and like most descendants of wealth, he was given his first job by his father, regardless of suitability. From this position in the music business he has carved a niche for himself in the arse-end of the pop music by creating disposable aural diarrhoea. This critic of mentally-ill, queue-loving psychopaths has for some reason been given the responsibility of trying to find the next Michael Jackson or Prince but has to date only found Matt Cardle and Shayne Ward.

Responsible for two of the most ironic titles in TV history; “X-Factor” and “Pop Idol” should be revoked under the Trade Descriptions Act for never finding a performer with either qualifying attribute. Yet year after year this pudgy-chested pundit responsible for Sinitta, Five, and Robson & Jerome has the gall to sort the talent from the talentless. Sounding like a gay Ian Hislop with a ridonkulous wardrobe and “Just For Men” hairstyle, he annually plays judge in his makeshift throne like a toddler in a high-chair demanding the jester to entertain him in his trans-continental quest for audio landfill.

Living his life like Bill Murray’s character in Scrooged, he started his showbiz career dressed as a dog on a kid’s TV show and slowly began to climb the brown-nosed corporate-ladder of entertainment until he eventually became a sad TV executive. And thanks to his hijacking of the UK Charts and his takeover of prime time TV, he has spoilt countless Christmases. Unlike Scrooged however, there is yet to be a happy ending in which he denounces his bullshit-peddling ways and seeks redemption.

The Ghost of Christmas Yet To Come desperately needs to visit this talentless self-styled talent judge and make Simon cower.

3 replies »

  1. Whilst not his doing perse, there have been several British internet personalities popping up attempting to replicate the cyinical behaviour whilst selling themselves as British. As a Brit myself I find this utterly pathetic, last I checked Cowell didnt sell himself as a foreigner. Sure, yanks are brought up indoctrinated and therefore they find nationality a big deal, and are often the first to remind you, should you not be an american, that you are not american. But for a fellow Brit to do this to themselves for the sake of grabbing an american audience is utterly pathetic.

    Needless to say, the Brit(s) I’m referring to and their fanbases are complete baffoons

  2. Fuck Simon Cowell! This guy is ruining the music industry. How is this wanker allowed to unearth the next talent? The guy is responsible for Westlife, so what gives him the right? Whatwentwrong, you’re right. Xfactor and pop idol are completely trash shows with ironic names. These shows have more misses than hits. Have I not mentioned that the shows are the same in format? Every year the X factor winner gets to have the Christmas number 1 single. I have done some research on Simon Cowell’s effect on the industry. As of now, X factor had spawned 35 number 1 singles. Let’s look at the winners and other contestants. Let’s look at their relevance and their artistic merit.

    Steve Brookstein – forgotten

    Shayne Ward – had one shitty hit song and was quickly abandoned

    Leona Lewis – average, also the most successful contestant.

    Leon Jackson – who?

    Alexandra Burke – one hit wonder

    JLS – garbage

    Joe McElderry – a glorified nobody

    Olly Murs – overrated

    Matt Cardle – forgettable

    Cher Lloyd – lame

    One Direction – a shitty boyband whose demise will be celebrated by everyone around the world

    Rebecca Ferguson – easily best singer to come out of the show

    Little Mix – a beautiful, but talentless group

    James Arthur – wack

    Ella Henderson – decent singer

    Rylan Clark – a talentless hack who only made it that far because his fake beef with Gary Barlow and is now presenting the brain cell-destroying shitfest called Big Brother

    Jedward – a lame comedy act

    Sam Bailey – has yet to release anything

    Ben Haenow – he is going to be forgotten

    Now let’s look at the “professional” judges:
    I have already talked about Cowell, so I will talk about the others.

    Louis Walsh – his talent scouting has been questionable. He has been contantly accused of bringing acts he managed or previously knew on the show. The guy is also responsible for Boyzone and Westlife infecting the charts with lifeless drivel.

    Sharon Osbourne – wife of rock act Ozzy Osbourne and the star of a shitty reality tv show

    Cheryl – talentless hack who was once a member of the lame Girls Allowed

    Nicole Sherzinger – shit singer whose claim to fame was dating Lewis Hamilton and being a member of Pussycat Dolls

    Dannii Minogue – only made it far because she was Kylie Minogue’s sister.

    Gary Barlow – member of Take That, says it all about his artistic credibility

    Tulisa – famous for being a member of N-dubz

    Mel B – former member of Spice Girls

    Nick Grimshaw – radio DJ

    Rita Ora – Beyoncé knock off

    It’s obvious to see that X Factor is a simple cash grab for Simon Cowell. Judging from their output, the judges are the least qualified people to find talent. No winner has had a lasting impact. They are simply signed for one album and then they are casted aside. The ones who do make it far in the industry are usually the lamest. I have yet to see a talented artist on the show who has become a success. There was Rebecca Ferguson, but she is an exception rather than the rule. Because of the judges, singers are chosen based on image. The whole show is an exploitative, cheap, repetitive piece of shit show that has had its day. X Factor has been on the decline. It is constantly beaten by Strictly Come Dancing in the ratings. A lot of musicians have criticised Xfactor. The public are finally waking up and seeing it for what it really is. Hopefully that spells an end to Xfactor and all talent shows.

    • Exactly, the only year the X Factor didn’t get a Christmas Number 1 was when people got Rage Against The Machine to the top spot in 2009 via Facebook.

      Ever since Pop Idol/Popstars, these dicks have been hijacking the charts and none of the acts have ever deserved it, put any of them against real talent and you can plainly see they’re all shite.

      On the topic of judges there were also these lames on Pop Idol/Popstars:

      Nigel Lythgoe (a shitty TV producer who made Gladiator and Blind Date – no qualifications in music whatsoever)
      Pete Waterman (a shitty producer who made stars out of Jason Donovan and other tits)
      Nicki Chapman (a shitty promoter who worked for Cowell and manager of shit acts like Billie Piper)
      Neil Fox (a shitty DJ)
      Geri Halliwell (a shitty singer from a shitty “girl band”)

      and of course, Simon Cowell (started a career by making novelty songs for Power Rangers, WWF etc.)

      Who really thinks these piss-streaks have any authority in music? Everything they’ve created is the epitome of shite.

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